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#FanConfession: My Journey with BTS

It’s been seven years since BTS, also know as Bangtan Sonyeondan, made their debut. I may not have been there from the beginning but they were there when I began my quest in finding myself. I am a 37 year old ARMY who is still finding herself. I thought that I had no hope in pursuing what I love and that Fangirling requires a certain age. I thought I would never hear my voice as I speak my passion for K-Drama and K-Pop. But here I am, a mother to a 17 year old and a wife. My husband understood that BTS is part of our life and Jungkook is my eldest son. 😉 To celebrate their special day, I wrote a letter to them. It’s a bit of confession, with my dreams, hopes and wishes for them. I hope one day I would be able to meet them and thank them personally for everything they’ve done for me. 💜 Mianhe, it’s a bit long. ✌️

Dear BTS, 

Happy 7th Anniversary.

I met you on your 4th year together, and I spent the whole year getting to know you better. I joined groups about you and followed all the pages related to you. I appreciated translators and the fancams that show your smiling faces. As I go deeper into the fandom called ARMY, I learned a lot of things about you. From how “No More Dream” was created, to how Jungkook chose BTS. Including how Taehyung was hiding as a secret member and how Namjoon decided that BTS is a 7-member group. Even how Min Yoongi acted so cold but he does really care. And I got to see how you tease Jimin’s pinky. I can’t forget Jin’s story about him talking in his sleep like he was still in the practice room. Your dance moves were always on point because of Hoseok. All of you having different personalities but having one goal. As I dive deeper into the fandom I heard your story, seven boys from a small entertainment company, who sang their hearts out until their voices were heard.

And I heard you.

You were singing in a language different than mine but my heart understood what you were trying to say. As I get to know you more, I slowly opened my door as well. I am an introvert and I seldom talk to people I don’t know, but you changed that for me. You slowly helped me get over the walls I placed for myself thinking that it would keep me safe. I met new people, some just passed by to teach me a lesson, while the others stayed and became my friends.

Our bond started with being just your fans and slowly we became more than acquaintances. You taught me that I’m the one I should love, and little by little I can feel that I am healing. Slowly, I believe that I deserve to be respected and be loved. For that I thank you. I never thought that there would come a time when I would feel deserving of such freedom but you showed me that I have reasons and that I should love myself.

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I only have one wish, and that is to see you perform live and up close. I don’t know if I will ever have the opportunity to be able to witness you singing your heart out and having fun. To be in the same room as you, breathing the same air. I imagine myself standing in front of you and as they turn off lights I will be holding my ARMY bomb singing along with everyone wishing that in one way or another my voice would reach you and you would look my way and smile. When that happens I know my world would stop. I would be the happiest fan in the world, to believe that among the millions of people in the crowd you saw me and that I exists.

To the future you I pray for your happiness.

I pray you will be able to find the person who will love you for who you are and not for what they hope you will be.

To Namjoon, I hope you will find someone who will cook for you. Read books with you and when things get tough I hope that that person will be there to listen to you. To accompany you as you take a walk in a park or just calm your mind in an art gallery.

To Min Yoongi, I hope you will find someone who will understand your quietness, your cold demeanor and be patient enough to wait for you to until you’re ready to speak your mind. Someone who will not get bored as you spent relentless hours in your studio as you create another masterpiece. Someone who will enjoy watching you or even fish with you as you rest your mind from the loudness of the world.

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To Seok Jin, I hope that you find someone who will laugh at your endless dad jokes. Someone who will accept RJ as part of the family and someone who will wear pink with you. You may seem happy most of the times, but I hope you will find someone who will know when your smile means sadness.

To Hoseok, I pray you find someone who will appreciate you for who you really are. Someone who will dance with you even after the music stops. Someone who will make you open up your pains that you hide from the world. Someone who will tell you that sometimes, it’s okay not to be okay.

To Jimin, I hope that you will find that person you will be comfortable with. I know how much love you are willing to give, I just pray that the person who will receive it will give you more. Someone who will love you just the way you are. Who will never make you feel that you should not eat because your cheeks will look like mochi. Someone who will say that you are the best when you feel like your world is crashing down.

To Taehyung, I hope one day you will find that person to sing 4 o’clock with. Someone who will sit beside you as you both watch the moon and the stars in the sky. Someone who will understand your mischievous side and play along. Someone who will support your creativity and artistic silence. Someone who will support your dream of being a farmer and saxophonist. Someone who will be put on your shoes for you when you hurt your feet after running barefoot.

To Jungkook, I pray that you find someone who will love you even when you are acting like a child. Who will play online games with you. Someone who will be patient as you enjoy the life you weren’t able to enjoy before. I hope you will find someone who will understand your silence and convince you to post on Twitter once a month. Someone who will always give you the benefit of the doubt and listen to what you have to say. Someone who will know what you feel even if you don’t say a word. Someone who will be there no matter what.

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After spending more than three years with you I realize that you are growing gracefully. It’s just a matter of time until you start to enlist for military. Something I was hoping that you avoid but I know that it’s inevitable. And once you reach that point I know that you’ll slowly think about your future as well. I am praying that I will still be able to see you perform as an OT7. But at the same time just like what you taught us, I want to see you doing what you love. May it be performing and creating beautiful music or having a family of your own. Whatever it is that makes you happy, I will support you. When that time comes I will still be here. Because together we are Bulletproof. I will forever be thankful because you Save ME. You’re the purple Lights that guided me as I Run towards Home. When I thought I had No More Dream you told me it was a Lie. You asked me for Just One Day, because Tomorrow, you will Make It Right. I saw my Reflection and it was not a pretty sight. But you said that I was like a Butterfly that flies around on a Spring Day. It was hard to believe that you saw the Best of Me, Not Today or ever. But you convinced me to Never Walk Alone, and to Begin  to see The Truth Untold. That the answer I was looking for was in a Magic Shop. Just like the Pied Piper I followed you in a Love Maze as you lead me to Euphoria. I learned what a Fake Love can do and I had this Epiphany that Serendipity is about to come to me. My Time has arrived as the Inner Child in me told me what I was made of. Like a Black Swan I spread my wings proudly. This is who I am and I embrace my imperfections because they made me the person I am right now. Not so perfect but so beautiful.

Thank You Bangtan Sonyeondan, for existing, for the music and for helping me heal the wounds that no one can see. 

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